Stop Expecting Healed Responses from Unhealed People

We’ve all been there—disappointed by the friend who never shows up, hurt by the parent who always criticizes, or frustrated by the partner who shuts down instead of opening up. These moments sting, not just because of what happened, but because they violate what we expected would happen.

At the root of much of our emotional pain is a common but dangerous assumption: that the people we love are capable of showing up in ways they simply aren’t ready or able to. As I often remind clients, “Stop expecting unhealed people to provide healed responses.”

Let’s talk about it.

Why We Expect More Than They Can Give

When we love someone—romantic partners, parents, siblings, or close friends—we often assume that love comes with understanding, empathy, and care. But love and healing are not the same thing. Many people who love deeply are still emotionally immature, avoid accountability, or lack the insight to grow. And when those people hurt us, the pain is magnified by the gap between what we wish they would do and what they’re actually capable of doing.

There are three key dynamics at play in these disappointing relationships:

Lack of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes the ability to recognize, regulate, and respond appropriately to your own emotions and the emotions of others. People who lack this skill often respond with defensiveness, denial, or dismissiveness when you bring up something that hurts you. They can’t “meet you where you are” emotionally because they don’t even know where they are.

Lack of Accountability

When someone refuses to take ownership of their behavior, healing and healthy connection become impossible. If a person always plays the victim or blames others for their actions, it creates a cycle of dysfunction and disconnection. You’re left holding the pain, while they walk away feeling justified.

Lack of Insight

Insight is the ability to see your own patterns and recognize how your behavior impacts others. Without insight, people repeat unhealthy behaviors without understanding their consequences. This leads to shallow apologies (or none at all), limited personal growth, and an inability to nurture emotionally fulfilling relationships.

When to Move On—and When to Stay

The million-dollar question: Should I stay or should I go?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some guiding principles:

• Stay when the person is actively doing the work to grow, shows genuine remorse, and is open to learning—even if they’re imperfect.
• Go when your emotional needs are consistently dismissed, your boundaries are violated, and your peace is under constant threat.

Not every relationship needs to be cut off completely. Sometimes the path forward is redefinition—not rejection. Maybe that friend isn’t the person to call when you’re vulnerable, but they’re great for lighthearted fun. Maybe that parent can’t give you emotional validation, but you can enjoy a family dinner with clear boundaries.

What’s important is you choose the role they play—not the other way around.

Solutions: How to Release Unrealistic Expectations

1. Accept Who They Are—Not Who You Wish They’d Be

Accepting someone doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior. It means seeing them clearly. When you let go of who you wish they were, you can make grounded decisions about how to engage with them—or not.

2. Set and Maintain Boundaries

If someone can’t respond with maturity or care, protect your peace. Boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about preservation. Set limits on the types of conversations you’ll have, how often you connect, and what topics are off-limits.

3. Grieve the Relationship You Hoped For

This is an often-overlooked part of healing. When we release expectations, we also have to mourn the version of the relationship we hoped to have. That grief is real. Honor it.

4. Stop Explaining Yourself to People Committed to Misunderstanding You

You don’t have to keep defending your needs or explaining your pain to someone who has shown you—repeatedly—that they’re not ready to hear it. Protect your energy.

5. Do Your Own Healing Work

It’s easy to focus on how others need to change, but real power comes from owning your role, your patterns, and your healing. Therapy, coaching, journaling, or spiritual work can help you break cycles and build healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

When we stop expecting healed responses from unhealed people, we reclaim our power. We stop waiting for someone else’s growth to give us peace—and start creating it for ourselves.

Remember, you deserve relationships that feel safe, mutual, and whole. Let go of the fantasy, love people where they are (or from afar), and hold space for your own beautiful, ongoing healing journey.

Love & Light,

Doc