Hiding Ain’t Healing: The Lies Queer Folks Learn to Survive and How They Damage Relationships

Chile, listen…

We need to talk about the lies we tell—not to hurt people, but to survive. Most queer folks didn’t grow up in a world that rolled out the red carpet when we came out. For a lot of us, there was no “coming out” at all—just quiet, strategic hiding. Code-switching. Watching our every move. Making ourselves smaller just to stay safe in our own homes, churches, and neighborhoods.

And that fear? That silence? It taught us to lie. Not maliciously. But just enough to stay afloat.

We learned to leave parts of ourselves behind so we wouldn’t be left behind.

We learned to edit the truth so we wouldn’t be punished for it.

We learned to wear masks before we even knew what authenticity looked like.

And now? Years later? Those lies are showing up in our relationships. We don’t call them lies—we call them “boundaries,” or “just not ready to share,” or “that’s in the past.” But let’s be real: many of us are still hiding. We’re still afraid to be fully seen, even by the people who say they love us.

Because some part of us is still asking, “But if they saw all of me… would they still stay?”

From Survival to Self-Sabotage

Here’s where it gets deep. The same strategies we once used to stay alive now keep us from thriving. That habit of concealing, withholding, or bending the truth doesn’t just vanish when we enter a relationship. Instead, it becomes the quiet saboteur of connection.

And the worst part? We often don’t even recognize we’re doing it.

The Regular Voice: Let’s Ground This

Let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening here.

When queer individuals grow up without adequate emotional, parental, or community support, we learn to adapt our behavior to avoid punishment, ridicule, or abandonment. These adaptations are often subtle and internalized:

• Withholding personal truth to avoid discomfort
• Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe
• Strategic omission of information that might lead to judgment or rejection

These behaviors are rooted in a very real and very painful survival response—but if left unexamined, they become deeply problematic in adult relationships.

How Survival Lies Show Up in Relationships

Performative Connection

You may show up as the version of yourself that feels easiest to love—toned down, agreeable, conflict-avoidant. Your partner doesn’t get the full you. They get the curated you.

Conflict Avoidance

You struggle to express dissatisfaction or disagreement. You’re more likely to withdraw or stay silent, because voicing conflict feels like a threat—not just to the relationship, but to your emotional safety.

Fear of Intimacy

Despite craving deep love, you may self-sabotage when things get too close. You might withhold past experiences, sexual desires, or even current fears. Because somewhere deep inside, love still feels conditional.

Hyper-independence or Emotional Distancing

Rather than risk being rejected, some people choose to remain emotionally self-contained. “I got me” becomes the motto—but also a barrier.

Why This Pattern Is So Common

Fear of rejection doesn’t just go away because we enter a new relationship. In fact, love often triggers our deepest survival patterns. It activates the part of us that remembers:

• Being told our identity was a sin
• Seeing other queer people punished or ostracized
• Losing friends or family after coming out
• Feeling “too much” or “not enough” to be fully accepted

These early wounds shape how we love—and how we hide.

But Here’s the Good News: Patterns Can Change

While these habits run deep, they’re not permanent. With intention, safety, and often support from a therapist or coach, we can begin to shift from fear-based relating to truth-based intimacy.

What Healing Looks Like:

Self-Honesty

You can’t share the truth with others if you’re still avoiding it with yourself. Start by asking:

• What parts of myself do I still hide?
• What truths about my past or present make me feel unlovable?
• Where do I perform instead of being real?

Micro-Truths

Begin practicing honesty in small, everyday ways:

• “Actually, that didn’t feel good.”
• “I do want more affection, but I was afraid to say it.”
• “There’s more I haven’t shared yet. Can we talk?”

These seemingly small admissions build a habit of safety and trust.

Choosing Safe Partners

Not everyone deserves your full truth. But your partner should. Choose someone who:

• Listens without defensiveness
• Validates your experience even if they don’t understand it
• Responds to truth with tenderness, not punishment

Therapy or Support Groups

There is no shame in needing help unpacking this. Many queer individuals benefit from spaces that understand the cultural, familial, and societal complexities of our identities. Therapy provides a mirror, a toolbox, and—when it’s affirming—a path back to the full self.

Self-Compassion

You are not wrong for how you learned to survive. The goal here isn’t to blame your younger self. It’s to free your current self from patterns that no longer serve you. Honor your journey and allow yourself to evolve.

And If You’re Loving Someone Who’s Still Hiding…

This work isn’t only for the person doing the hiding. If you’re in partnership with someone who struggles to be fully open, remember: hiding is often a trauma response. You don’t need to force or fix. But you can create safety.

• Ask open questions.
• Listen without trying to fix.
• Avoid punitive or shaming reactions when hard truths come out.
• Celebrate vulnerability, even when it’s messy.

Love thrives in spaces where people feel safe to be seen.

Final Thoughts

Chile… hiding got you through the storm. But it cannot be your home. Not anymore.

As queer folks, we have spent so much of our lives learning how to shrink, blend, soften, and adapt. But the relationships we deserve—the soul-to-soul kind—require our full selves. Our truth. Our story. Our healing.

And yes, it’s scary.

Yes, it takes time.

But there is freedom on the other side.

At Soul 2 Soul Global, we walk with you on that journey. We help queer individuals and couples create relationships rooted in truth, healing, and mutual devotion.

Visit www.soul2soulglobal.com to explore our resources or schedule a free consultation.